Inside My Heaven

Take a seat on a cloud made of dreams

Location: kuala lumpur, Malaysia

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Love is..............

Ever wondered what love REALLY is?I always have.Funny how it took me nearly twenty-one years to discover.

You see, it began like this.................

Sunshine poured thru my window that very, very blissful morning, and a very much smaller me(say six...) decided to jump out of bed and right downstairs to see what awaited me. And little me was simply amazed to see an oddly shaped statuesque black thing inthe hall of the living room.It made strange noises when pressed and later i found out, Its name was Piano.

I was half delighted when mummy said i would be taking "piano lessons" because i had no idea in the world what it meant. But then i discovered the horrible truth-no, i didn't mind bangin away madly at the piano, I didn't mind playing it at my leisure, i just DON'T want to study it, thank you very much...

But mom made it clear- i started it, i will finish it.And she sat down with me for hours making sure I got every note right to its precise pitch. And altho i would feign tiredness, allergy to MONSTER PIANO , and even insanity at times-mom's decision was firm and final. And in utter agony and frustration, i told myself," i will never, ever make my kiddies play the piano. Ever!"

Ironic how years after that piano playing bcame my number one hobby=)

Mom was full of surprises. One such was how she made me do penence for my greviences.You see, mummy would make me write essays. And later she would read them, tell me how i could have improved them.A few years laterinto my tradition,i discovered the inevitable- i had developed a profound love for writing , and reading at the same time.

And then of course there was homework. Somehow mom was extra strict when it came to this. So i had to sit in a little corner on a tiny table and finish what was required of me.

OH how i loathed it.I was positively enraged.Seethingly irate. You see, i wanted to become an astornaut. And i never saw the connection how finishing my homework or having to learn ABC would make me a better astronaut. So in my folly i comforted myself "When i become a mummy, i will never make my kids do homework, i wouldnt even send them to silly school...."

So time flew by and i became a teen ,never out of the watchful eye of my mother.And yes , she had this strange,strange ability to sniff a lie from 5 feet away.So i had no choice but to tall the truth.

Very startlingly, as comes with age, i began to develop a deep appreciation for Mummy.For once i notoced what i had refused to before- She showed me the meaning of seelfless love.The example of what it meant to love unconditionally and one of an unswerving faith in God.

Wow, mummy, you are accomplished in so many more ways than u know=)

And to even think that when growing up i said" i dont think i want to be like my mummy............"

God must have had a really good laugh!!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

My reverie takes me back to the distant past
When being a schoolgirl
Had the best memories to offer
And WORRY almost never existed in my dictionary

Fastforward a few years later
When a little teenager no longer stares back at me
And with life comes worries, with age - expectations
Many of which i wonder if I'd ever fufill

which I look from afar in hopes of getting closer
But life takes its unexpected twists and turns
and befor i can catch up with reality, i realize.......
I'm left behind along the sidewalks

Half puzzled, definitely speechless,but mostly gashed and bruised....
So i pick up the pieces of what they call life
And i try to salvage what's left of my heart
I scramble to search for my answers

In places i would probably never find them
Holding on to the remnants of the crash
The foundations on which i build my dreams on shaken
And i pick up the pieces and start from scratch

Building something I only have a vague idea of
As i do, the picture becomes clear
And i keep walking ang walkin
To that light at the end of the tunnel

They say never look back
But i have a good reason to
Because then i am reminded of
The things that ground me,that make me

And the truth that I've found
In the God of my faith,in the friendships we're bound to make
And the insight that you inevitably gain
Because i never knew beauty could come from such pain

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Life's little lessons

Gee how time flies.So much has happened and sometimes I think it would be nice to take a break from life.

Since uni started, the workload has been piling,piling,piling...With each passing day, nothing gets easier. I go to bed as tired as ever with thoughts of my yet unfinished work. I wake up even more tired then when I slept, the thoughts that greet me, "how am I ever goin to find the time to do ALL that i want to do in a day..."So my day goes by with me trying to squeeze more things into a day unsuccessfully of course.

And perhaps during the spare minute o two that i have, i give God a thought. My spiritual life spiralling down the staircase. I almost cant remember the last time I had good solid quiet time with Him.And yes, I miss those times and some part of me feel guilty for not makin the effort..." But there's so much to do in a day.So much that i can hardly find the timeto spend with You.."I carry on my life with that callous excuse. But time and again I find myself askin-how do I fit God into my busy schedule? But to that I can never find the answer.

Fatefully on saturday I develop a fever, and its been ages since I fell sick. This time not the low grade one which could still have me running about-it hit me with a vengeance and I am forced to recuperate a whole sunday and monday in bed. In between moaning thoughts about how miserable it feels to be sick, I am left with some thinkin time. And since my eyes hurt when i attempt to read, I am left with the million dollar question-how do I fit God into my busy, busy life.And i ponder until I almost feel my head ache.

God isn't a part of the part of the equation, He isn' t something you try to fit into the equation, He holds the equation together inasmuch as He holds your life together whether you like it or not...Quickly I push that thought out of my mind as a hallucinatory effect of the fever. But it keeps replaying again and again and again. I remember a verse in the bible that says "He is before all things and in Him all things hold together." And oh, how true. So many times i fail to recognize that despite my hysterical complaints about how busy and stressed out I am, I am in fact blessed to be where I am.I fail to acknowledge the fact that God's providence has seen me thus far and will se me thru. I fail to recognize the fact that spending time with Him is not some obligatory fact that comes with calling myself a Christian, it is fact some of the most uplifting, encouraging, fufilling moments I've ever experienced.

I begin tomorrow with the same set of challenges that await me. So why is tomorrow all that different?
Because I am not relying on merely my strength to get me thru the day

Zechariah 4:6
Not by might, nor by power but by my spirit says the Lord.

and I know on that truth I can always count on.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

UiTM open 2006

the thrill
the adrenaline rush
the suspense
the fascination of wit and knowledge
the addictive nature of debate........

I greeted the idea of debatin in UiTM open with apprehensiveness.after such a long break from debates,that response would only have been natural.

and so that day came-18th of march,2006.iwas nervous,i was in jitters,i was filled with self-doubt....and the reality that hit me could NOT have been more team, IMU 2 consisting of Li Shun,Eng Ann and I were up against Hafiz(royals champion)'s team.the motion-this house would allow the assasination of extremist political leaders.mind you,we get the motion half an hour before debate, and we were gov.

After what seemed like eternity of tryin to come up with a defendable case,i heard those dreaded words,"I'll now like to invite the first speaker from the gov to open the case...."
30 seconds into my speach,i realized the inevitable- I had no idea what i was talkin about!
GRRRRR......I hated the fact that hafiz had flair,sarcasm(ample of it!!),he was merciless and had arguably the sharpest of wit.i actually found myself noddin along with him until i realized like"SNAP,deborah!!!he's on the opposing side,remember??!" Hafiz's team left with a win i left with a lot of doubts about debatin being my thing...

then came round 2
This house believes that anti-blasphemy laws have no place in secular EU.I liked the fact that we were opposition.geesh,so much for the incredible loosing just now,i realized that we were in the bin room.

The gov shifted their stance from one principle to another and i ended up havin to do a lot of cancelling and rewriting in the process.But what really floated our boats was when the 3rd gov went,"if people dont get to say what they want to say about religion,theyre gonna have all this pent up issues inside of them which leads to anger then births depression!!sad, depressed people-thats violation of human rights!!"And i just couldn't resist interjecting,"blasphemy!blasphemy!"haha....

The followin rounds were glith-free,i must say.I enjojed them, thoroughly ENJOYED them!!And before i could stop myself, the inevitable was upon me- I had officially become addicted to this fascinating thing called DEBATES.

Li Shun,Eng Ann you guys made workin with you a pleasurable incident!i hope u peeps enjopyed it just as much!And Prasad,Han Liang,Vas, you IMU oners, you dudes put the fun into this whole experience.I'm absolutely psyched!!
Long live debating!!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

reality vs fantasy

Everytime i watch these Hollywood stories, I have to admit, I get kinda carried away.All that doesn't neccessarily begin well ends fantabulously well.And sometimes, I put myself into the shoes of the heroine and..... wonder what it would be like where no matter what crazy stuff happens along the way, the ending will always be a happy one:damsel-in-distress gets the prince charming,lady makes it big nd strikes the big bucks, the pooh-pooed at looser turns into a dazzling swan....Oooh,if only.....

But then reality takes a painful bite back at me.Back into a world where if I do not take the initiative, things do not magically work themselves out.And then I have a tendency to compare every detail of my life to big screen.And so many times i'd find myself screaming back at the Man above,"God,this is not fair!Why does it have to be like this?" Questioning His claim as to Him knowing what's best for me and ultimately working things out for my good.

So i compare every single detail of my life, past and present with every claim He has ever made.And finally, i throw my hands up in despair and say,"God,your right(yet again)....You knew what's best."And its ironic how from every failure he works out a lesson; from every scar he turns into a star,not wothout the healing process of course; every mistake He forgives,turns into a learning opportnity.

Where would i be today if my life had not been directed byHim?And i know what Hollywood's missed is a wisdom that can only come thru learning, integrity that makes the path for true frindships, which with invested time paves the way for love' and responsibility that preceeds success...boy,am i actually glad i live in the real world!!

Sunday, February 26, 2006


To sum it all in one sentence:Brilliant and absolutely hilarious!!
The cast for that night, the 24th of feb was funnyman Edwin Sumun,Fish,Ida,Afdlin,Naa(yes,i love his name!) and Douglas.i went there not knowin what to expect,but it was a stellar cast and i have to say ... they outdid whose line is it anyway with a pleasant injection of local flava.i noticed that malaysians just loved the subjects on AP,rafidah aziz and poking fun at blonde hollywood actresses........hence requested for those to be acted out again n again.It was my first time watchin a local production and i was pleasantly surprised by the quality and talent put forward.go check it out peeps,and hey....students get it at a mere RM 22 from the normally priced RM 47 tics.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

my very own

i've finally decided to start my own blog.actually it was more of the absolute nothingness that comes with holidays that gave me the ample time for thinking and making up my mind to do so.i thought it would be kinda fun to be able to look back at all my stored memories n thoughts and go like "hey,i remember when i did THAT....." So here it is,the home to all my thoughts and memories........